Rene, the Dead Poet Warning: never stick your hand in the [mailbox]. Gremlins love dark places. There’s a place not that far from here Where people go when their dreams have died Restless, restless, restless. I want to go out and do something, but no one I know seems to reciprocate the feeling. They're all 'too tired.' Blah! I'd take a long walk in the dark, but it's been bloody freezing outside for awhile now and I'd have to travel all the way across town first to get anywhere. I need to find something to do. Maybe I should work on that novel I'd been neglecting, that I promised I would finish.. :sighs: Sunday, December 1, 2002 05:00 p.m. I'd do anything Just to hold you in my arms To try to make you laugh Somehow, I can't put you in the past I'd do anything Just to fall asleep with you Will you remember me? 'Cause I know I won't forget you Friday, November 29, 2002 02:24 p.m. I wish people knew how to walk in another's shoes for awhile, see through another's eyes. I wish people would take the time to understand why before defending one way or the other. Thanksgiving? Blah. Give the turkeys a break. Now, if I could only breathe.. Thursday, November 28, 2002 02:37 p.m. Turn out the light Just say goodnight, to yourself May I remind you When you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong Cause that's when they call you, in the night He's got your picture in his mind He's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime Is it really true Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you So many times we just give it away, to someone who Someone who you met in bar The back of a car And for a moment you felt important but not in your heart My self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low I know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me I want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you So many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me Give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name Cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for Someone who will love you for you so many times we Just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name You save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, Loves me for me Give it away to someone who, someone who will Cherish your name Cherish your name Thursday, November 28, 2002 02:32 p.m. I just feel like curling up on a couch somewhere and forgetting I'm alive. It's so empty and cold here.. and I'm so sick. Hurt by NIN. I've already posted the lyrics before. It seems a recurring theme. '..like it's the end of the world.' Now I just feel like I'm some sort of leechy, pathetic loser. Just another face among the crowd, as it were. Shoved back, shut up. I should just take a long break from everyone. Go to work, go to school, ignore the world. To show I'm not some dependent failure who can't make it on his own. Well, that's bullshit because, emotionally, I've been 'making it on my own' for my whole fucking life. Thanksgiving? Christmas? I don't even want to think about it. Why is it I've spent my whole time trying to make people happy and spent none of it trying to make myself happy? Because I don't know how to make myself happy? Because I find my happiness when others are happy? Because it's selfish to make yourself happy? I guess that's all a matter of opinion. Honestly, I don't know. It might be all of those things. What is happiness anyway? Just another illusion of false reality? Friendship? Love? Both? Neither? And what happens when you're stripped of everything? Wednesday, November 27, 2002 12:58 p.m. Thunder like the sky's falling; it shook the house. Now, it's just raining, dark outside, and I'm sitting here trying to figure out a few things. I hate people who hate me for no good reason, without even knowing me. I was considering picking up that phone again.. but I really shouldn't bother her so much. Friday, November 22, 2002 01:07 p.m. I can't live without you Tell me what am I supposed to do about it? Keep your distance from it Don't pay no attention to me I got a disease Beautiful girl I can't breathe I got a disease ----- Why can I not think of anything to say, though the thoughts run jumbled? Just emotions. Thursday, November 21, 2002 12:13 a.m. :buries face in arms: Tuesday, November 19, 2002 12:51 p.m. It's been awhile. Yes, I'm still alive. [as if anyone reads this or cares] The past weeks have been in disarray. An almost-inlaw has been creating havoc with his tendencies toward violence. It's been a mess in that department. And why is it I've no ability to produce compassion? I never could handle the mournful, emotional scenario. I swear, whenever compassion is rampant in the room I always become this silent and cynical asshole. All I have to do is speak up and everyone starts throwing things at me. When was it? Saturday? Sunday? I didn't even get to bed until seven in the morning, scolded before then. I suppose I deserved it. I got so fucking.. yeah. Thursday, November 14, 2002 03:18 p.m. Acid. Blackness. Who am I to feel this way? A stabbing in my chest, and I feel like life is not worth it. Any of it. Everything is trivial now, and I can't escape this feeling, washing over me again. I'm not myself. I'm afraid. Saturday, November 9, 2002 03:54 p.m. Many thoughts, many things going on. I'll talk later and leave this here for now: Could you stay long enough for me to say goodbye? You can be free as long as you're with me. If you could see the real me you'll bleed. If you could see the real me I'd breathe. Could you still breathe long enough for me? Could you still be long enough for me? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? If I should stay when do I pray? If I should stay where do I begin? I don't think you should watch me die. Should we close our eyes and say goodbye? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? Hey you miss blue You think that I'm well to do Hey you miss blue I fell in love with you Hey you miss blue I think about you that's true Hey you miss blue I hate it when you cry Hey you miss blue I hate it when you say goodbye Hey you miss blue I hate it when you say goodbye When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? When do you think I'll be okay? Hey you miss blue You say goodbye You say goodbye Don't say goodbye You say goodbye Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye... Tuesday, November 5, 2002 04:59 p.m. Okay, so I was a bit bitter earlier. I've mellowed. For now. Saturday, November 2, 2002 01:59 a.m. I swear I was in another world all Halloween night. The party was okay, I suppose, but I couldn't stop playing "what if-" all night. I couldn't stop thinking about her. It was fucking cold out, too. Below freezing, and not very many people out. One point, I felt like just going for a walk across town in the dark. Just to get away from the others. The cold might have kept me from concentrating on -- well, it didn't. I popped open some wine and drank a few glasses the rest of the night. After everyone left, I was left lying in the middle of the living room floor - vinyl pants, ruffled shirt, and all - feeling so depressed I barely wanted to take my glance any further than the ceiling. Suffice it to say, PoM's "She Fucking Hates Me" and NIN's "Somewhat Damaged" were my ongoing anthems when I eventually dragged myself from the floor. Why is it I always manage to ruin myself with my own thoughts? La la la la love? I tried too hard And she tore my feelings like I had none And ripped them away Friday, November 1, 2002 01:12 p.m. Listening to that song for the upteenth time, I realized just now how word-for-word it is to how I've been feeling and responding the past [what has it been? seems like an eternity in hell] ... month? No, more than a month. It started long before. I had just gotten up enough courage to admit it near the end, and then everything fell out from under me. Stepped too close to the edge, I guess, and there's no one there to catch me now. And it's my own fault. Halloween. Two days away, and all I've been thinking about is when we were talking before. I had to cancel the trip. Those travels will undoubtedly never happen now. I swear, I'm not going to be able to focus the night of - I'm going to be so down-and-out and pretending to have it together. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been trying to forget, all the time, trying like there's no tomorrow because it's not meaningful to anyone but myself. I keep trying to understand why it could end this way. Just stop, stagnant, friendship and all. Why? What have I done to deserve this? well you just left me nailed here hanging like Jesus on the cross i'll be dying for your desire and aiding to the cause How do you force a brain and heart and soul to forget? They say it comes with time. Now I know why so many people commit suicide before their thirties. Well, I should just drown myself in work for now. Oh. Do you know what marvelous thing happened yesterday? Someone stole my bike, from my goddamned back porch. Worth almost two-hundred dollars. Yeah, you see how lucky I am. Around this town, they'll sell it for crack. :sighs: Talk to you later, emptiness. - They say we all have a fear. I know what mine is. Being left behind. Alone. - Tuesday, October 29, 2002 09:54 a.m. I would never bother you I will never promise to I will never follow you I will never bother you Never say a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You won't be afraid of fear If I was put into this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (3x) You know you're right (3x) It's so warm and calm inside I no longer have to hide There's talk about someone else Steaming, soon begins to melt Nothin' really bothers her She just wants to love herself I will move away from here You won't be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew it'd come to this Things have never been so swell And I have never failed to fail paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (5x) You know you're right (17x) Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn - Nirvana RIP, Kurt. Monday, October 28, 2002 01:12 a.m. Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater You don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me shit to digest I wish I had a reason; my flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying You don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I'd died instead of lived A zombie hides my face Shell forgotten with its memories Diaries left with cryptic entries And you don't need to bother; I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds Saturday, October 26, 2002 01:19 p.m. What came first: the chicken or the imbecile? Cluck, cluck, clucking; It's all I hear. One big fucking imitation of intelligence. Your mouths are moving, race those lips - and I hear your noise but not your words. You're all pretending to know what you're talking about, and you've no idea - Oh no, my clueless fools clucking, not one fucking idea. Sheep, sleep sheep - now, go to your rest. Stop acting like you're unrivaled geniuses. Wednesday, October 23, 2002 03:49 p.m. If I should die this very moment.. I wouldn't feel a thing. Tuesday, October 22, 2002 10:59 p.m. Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love. Tuesday, October 22, 2002 01:17 a.m. [Not to sound arrogant, but I've always felt this song define me, on many levels. Perhaps that's not a good thing. Well, at least I'm honest..] you come out at night that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampires roam you strut your rasta wear and your suicide poem and a cross from a faith that died before Jesus came you're building a mystery you live in a church where you sleep with voodoo dolls and you won't give up the search for the ghosts in the halls you wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way oh you're so beautiful with an edge and a charm but so careful when I'm in your arms 'cause you're working building a mystery holding on and holding it in yeah you're working building a mystery and choosing so carefully you woke up screaming loud a prayer from your secret god you feed off our fears and hold back your tears give us a tantrum and a know it all grin just when we need one when the evening's thin oh you're a beautiful a beautiful fucked up man you're setting up your razor wire shrine --- The moon has been lovely for the past few nights, the clouds thin and rolling by so as to show its ghostly gleam in full. It's a shame I've fate to watch it alone. My classes and work have been keeping me busy for the most part - unfortunately, the lapses otherwise never cease in causing me pangs of severe loneliness returned. It's not as if I don't try to escape them. Did you know you can be lonely even when with other people, no matter whom? And I tell myself, 'it will pass.' I'm still wondering when it's going to do so. Tuesday, October 22, 2002 12:24 a.m. I've had hard time thinking I've had the hardest fall I'm drowning and now I'm sinking into it all Remember the words of someone Someone I used to know Love everyone but keep them Far from your soul Just noticing, I need to take some time and organize this mess of a desk. It's like a tornado came through here. Anyway, how've I been? Busy and bored all at different intervals. You know, I really thought I had something important and profound to write here right now. I guess not. Maybe it will return to me, and I'll stop by later. For now, no worries. Sunday, October 20, 2002 01:14 p.m. What has it been? Five days? There was a lapse, I admit. I haven't had too much of importance to say, not that I would be willing to say here. I suppose it doesn't matter, though, since I might as well be speaking to thin air. Worked, still have the title theme from Unbreakable in my head, have to get up way too early tomorrow morning.. er.. this morning. On Sunday, I drove to the city for a cd (how lame am I?) - three hours roundtrip, so by the end I was fairly tired. The alternative station -before it cut out on me- had been running a contest of who could smoke their hit for eight seconds or more. One guy held it for sixteen or so. Heh. Background amusement.. I bought a pair of black vinyl pants. (Make any snide remarks, and I'll kick your eyeballs to the back of your head.) If I could afford leather, I'd buy leather, but for now vinyl will work well enough. I need a raise. Oh, I got a high B on that pre-calc test I was positive I'd sunk to a low C on. Now, hopefully, if I can only keep that pace up.. Need a car. Really, really need a car. One of my friends is heading out to Idaho tomorrow morning in a car with a bad clutch (smart). Another has been trying to contact me but I keep missing the calls, i.e. always at work. I've been so tired all day that, despite constant caffeine, I kept falling asleep while sitting, reading.. you name it. Right now, I can just barely keep my eyes open. They're truly beginning to burn badly and are, undoubtedly, exceptionally blood-shot. I should head out of here now. Good-night, invisible non-readers. Good-night, void. Friday, October 18, 2002 02:52 a.m. I could have been anyone she'd seen She waits another week to fall apart She couldn’t make another day I wish it was anyone but me I could have been anyone you see She had something breakable just under her skin She comes out of closets every night But then she locks herself away Where she could keep everything from me I could have been anyone you see She’s nothing but porcelain underneath her skin --- I swear yesterday morning seemed like right out of a bad comedy. Springing out of bed - exceedingly late, throwing on clothes, snatching coffee, racing breathless into class. I was a wreck. Luckily, it wasn't too bad the rest of the day. Now, however, I'm completely lost with this pre-calc. Lost, lost.. And I have a test on Monday. [Help.] I had strange dreams last night. What else is new, eh? I know, I know. I have a sudden urge to make a dramatic ass out of myself somehow.. Unbelievably unlike me. Maybe I should learn how to act. Saturday, October 12, 2002 02:13 p.m. Had an interesting day - don't ask. Now, I have to go to work and get chewed out for what happened last weekend. This Sunday, I'm heading out to watch a performance in the city. Night of the Iguana.. Ever heard of it? Is it odd that I can honestly say I relate to Shannon? Perhaps I just see him in a different light than most people might. Also, just finished the book I'd been reading. On to the next. But I should get going. Things to do, too many things. "You'll never be dangerous to anyone but yourself, Mr. Shannon.." Thursday, October 10, 2002 03:27 p.m. So lay down. The threat is real.. When my sight goes red again. Seeing red again. Seeing red again. Tuesday, October 8, 2002 12:44 a.m. Slept, woke up, slept, woke up.. Called in sick to work at last minute's notice [which pissed them off to a high degree - let's hope I'm not fired]. Now, I'm basically riding on the tons of cold pills I took earlier. Needed to finish pre-calc, but only got part of it done. Need to read almost one hundred pages of Chaucer, and none of that is done yet. I'm so dazed out that I can't think straight anymore. Have to wake up early - will end up staring into space during class, no doubt. Do you care? No. I'm not stupid. I know no one cares about any of this shit.. another worthless entry in a buried journal of pointlessness. Just another face in the crowd, and easily overlooked at that. Do you ever find yourself not wanting to wake up when you go to sleep at night? To die; to sleep; To sleep? perchance to dream! Ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffl'd off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. I don't really want to die. I just want to be living another life. I suppose that's true for everbody, isn't it? What makes me think I'm so special to wish differently? Someone once said life is the slowest form of suicide.. Damn right. ----- "No one dies a virgin, life fucks everyone." - anonymous "True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde Monday, October 7, 2002 01:49 a.m. Be happy, be happy, be happy I'm killing you. Please put on a smile for us to see. Be pleasant, polite, show your respects for me. Be still, still smile, I don't want to see you frown. Your fucking melancholic state, 'tearing your heart to the ground.' You're not a nothing, rise up now.. that is until I beat you down. But that's my right, right? I'm not beating you down! How dare you accuse me! Your fucking depressive delusions.. I don't want to see you bleed. I don't want to hear you cry. And, for god's fucking sake, don't you dare tell me you've died! You're a good friend, a close friend. You deserve what you get. It was your fault to love your fault your fault But don't blame yourself in front of me! Don't talk to me unless you have nothing to say. Please, just live on, be yourself 'til the end of your days. Stop crying in front of me. Stop it! I told you I don't want to see. You don't mean that to me. You were just too naive. You don't mean much anymore. I'm not your life-support. - Rene, 2002 - step in another's shoes, cry with another's eyes - life-support Sunday, October 6, 2002 02:04 a.m. Did you ever feel like if you didn't scream and scream and scream you would die inside, rot, and lose all semblance of yourself and what you once were? My throat is too raw and red to scream now. Crumble. Beaten by life, beaten by time, wrapped up in memories you don't want and can't withstand, suffocated by emotions you can't rid yourself of and can't force yourself to forget. Is it melancholy nonsense? Melodramatic ramblings? Is it all one god-forsaken plot at self-definition, one endless interlude, a stab at the point of continuing existence? Maybe it's all of this and more. Maybe those who spend the time dying inside, alone, and with no one who cares anymore about them aren't any different from those who are loved by everyone, who have the most support of all, and who would be mourned the world over if they lost themselves. Losing yourself is losing yourself. Does it matter anymore when that line is crossed? I always knew I'd be alone when the time came. I always knew my wish to be in the arms of someone I loved was a phrase from naivete. So simple, yet so impossible. Even when I were to do the protecting, the caring, the defending, the respecting, the supporting, the loving.. Even so, in the end, I'd still end up lying alone out of the endless agony of my own foolish love. After this is all over and I've finally learned how to forget, to realize I cannot win, I might never love again. If this is what love is like, there's no reason I would want it to return to me. Sunday, October 6, 2002 01:32 a.m. I'm not scared of the dark I'm not scared of the dark I'm not scared of the dark I've lost you. No words mean anything now. Sunday, October 6, 2002 01:22 a.m. So dead, walk like a zombie.. I'm no one's fool. Saturday, October 5, 2002 04:37 p.m. Sat awhile, sat alone, watched the pond and autumn leaves, feel damp grass beneath my feet, and in my hair, a breeze. Tossed upon still water, float adrift, astray, torn and taken from me - No! Please wait! Please, stay. Softly hitting crossroads in eternity.. Fall from my fingertips, blown and washed away, petals from the rose - the rose I was to give to you that day. - Rene, 2002 Friday, October 4, 2002 03:17 a.m. I am such an idiot. My god, I am such an idiot. Finally, finally I gathered enough courage to take that damned phone card from my wallet and dial. Finally, I heard the phone ring, the message machine beep, and what did I do? I hung up. I swear I have the courage of a sewer rat. Why didn't I SAY anything?! Why do I act like it's such a big deal? And why the hell, why the fuck, is my heart still pounding in my ears and my hands shaking all the way across the keyboard??? I wish she'd just picked up. It's not her fault, though. It's mine. Thursday, October 3, 2002 02:01 p.m. I'm exhausted and.. No, just basically exhausted. Why do I always end up intimidating people when I make a first impression on them? Either that or at some point they'll send one of those "you're-not-really-an-escaped-schizophrenic-are-you?" looks my way. You know, that slightly disgusted expression as if I'd said something wrong when I hadn't really said anything much at all. They probably thought I was on drugs. And everyone wonders why my friend list isn't particularly long.. Yes, I'm a loner. Not by my own choosing, really, but it seems by everyone else's. On another note, a slightly bad note, I had my first cigarette in 3-4 months tonight after class. I had the urge and leapt with it, but it left me feeling a bit lightheaded. Guess I hadn't considered not smoking for such a long time makes the sensation more intense. [weakling] I ended up leaving the parking lot with a headache the size of the sphinx. I've been hesitating with the phone card again. I don't know why. Such a simple thing, yet it's so damned difficult.. Wednesday, October 2, 2002 12:35 a.m. I've been staring into an oblivion, dazing off, getting a headache, and I feel very strange. Like the world is getting smaller and smaller all around me, tightening my vision and clamping around my head like grasping claws, digging into the bone and flesh. It's an odd sensation, too difficult to describe. Now my jawbone's aching. Maybe I'm just tired. Damnation, I can't sleep yet.. Tuesday, October 1, 2002 12:47 a.m. I imagine us together, in a world where we're together, in my heart where we're together, then remember, painfully.. 'we' were never meant to be; you were never meant for me. Monday, September 30, 2002 09:05 a.m. This is just horrible. I have a whole chapter of pre-calculus to get through by tomorrow morning, I have to leave in a few hours and work this entire night, and I can't focus enough to read the first two sentences of the damned chapter! I keep thinking about the calling card in my wallet I bought a week ago, how I should just tear it up and let everything be. Then my mind starts skipping to this and that and the other thing.. anything it wants. My wrist still hasn't healed, and it's been a month or so. It's just going to stay like that, it seems, a reminder or something. I don't know. I'm having one hell of an afternoon, and there's little I can do about it. Wait, wait, wait.. How long? More simply, why? Maybe it's time to stop waiting. Sunday, September 29, 2002 01:12 p.m. I've been thinking, musing.. brooding a bit, too, but that's besides the point. My creative processes seem to be on a rebound. At least that's what I would hope. I've been coming up with a few new ideas, but who's to say if I will ever have enough conviction to sit down and start them. Anyway, I suppose I'll just write them down so I don't lose them somewhere, someday, somehow. I. Literature.. fallen angels, plots & characters in head.. combined black and white photography II. Art.. empty canvas by desk.. 'The Experience' III. Ricean tarot.. list of characters/cards already mapped out.. opinions? decisions? ..art to be drawn IV. Snow & blood photography collection.. meadow, mountains V. 'Hands' photography collection.. ----- camera.. photography software.. poser.. film.. new fencing equipment.. archery locations found.. send away in stock.. [spring, '03] car, license.. [Mt. Hood] violin equipment, tutor.. rings replaced.. piercing.. etc. shirt, pants.. ----- Anyway, I need to read some Beowulf and plot some pre-calculus. And the microwave had better not have ruined my earl grey.. Saturday, September 28, 2002 01:30 p.m. nobody sees, somebody please, save me turn around what's that sound? i'm in your head i thought i heard myself say, I'd rather be dead, than live life apart...we're apart...we're apart.. oh god.. this is the sound of my misery choke on the taste of my misery dance to the words of my misery this is the sound of my misery I keep having the same daydream, when my days go on and on, with little purpose. Just life. I guess it's not much of a comfort anymore. Then again, when was it? What did I ever have to offer? It's just.. no one cares; no one sees or knows anymore. There's no one left that I would care to know such things, or who would, in return, care at all. Maybe I just fooled myself into believing that anyone ever did. After all, I try to keep a level head about everything, to analyze everthing for what it really is. It bothers me to think I misjudged something that was so deeply important to me. Friday, September 27, 2002 012:25 a.m. How can I, have really died And why am I dancing, dancing alone? Yellow moonlight; lonely light tonight. I wanted something more than this. Is this life? This is what it's all about? Dreams.. Thursday, September 26, 2002 12:51 a.m. I hear the music like it's bursting in my ears, the emotion of it sinking to my very core. I can feel its raw power, its soft melody, as it continues. I can very nearly taste its beauty. What I would give to offer that kind of beauty to others, and to me. What I would give to transform such a silent piece of wood into the extension of my soul. Tuesday, September 24, 2002 01:41 p.m. Lying on the slope of a left-hand side, catch me while I take a momentary high, save me, and you've my life in your hands - wash them with gasoline, make amends. Squeal of a serpent's breath, broken wings, strengthen my scars. Feel the choir sing, pluck the guitar strings, play with my heart. Tuesday, September 24, 2002 11:59 a.m. If we beat him down, will he stay? He's a little dizzy I feel it starting to take me Where did everybody go? I need them now to save me If we beat him down... will he stay? I've found a new band that I can't seem to forget. I came upon them quite accidentally actually, meandering through the local department store with no particular destination in mind and stopping dead in my tracks at the sight of their cd. Something caught my eye, nothing to remember. I need to go back and buy it. As for me? Am I doing fine? Am I still bitter and despondent? I'm trying hard not to be. Strive for a battle through mud. I'll eventually crawl onto dry land. I need to feel alive again. I need to just.. I don't know. Maybe I'll come to know, with time. I really wish this house weren't so empty all of the time. What I'd give for a cat or dog.. something. Something to remind me I can be loved, in the very least by an animal. You know? Oh, probably not. I suppose I just sound like that same emotional fool again. I really need to stop being so..weak. It's not right, for someone like me. It's not right. I should practice indifference again. Monday, September 23, 2002 11:47 p.m. English breakfast tea with Irish mint creamer doesn't taste good. Don't try it. I need to buy some French vanilla.. Am I babbling? Yes. Why? Because I'm despondent again, and I need to stop being such an emotional fool. Maybe delving headfirst into algebra and essays next week isn't such a bad idea. I got some sleep last night, sort of. Sleeping in your jeans isn't comfortable. Add those same dreams to the mixture, and let's just say I look a little pale today. Saturday, September 21, 2002 03:36 p.m. I want to die. I want to fucking die. All I feel is anger and hurt and sadness, like there's something broken inside that I can never fix. Why do I have to play happy? Why do I have to act like nothing's wrong, that I don't feel a thing when someone stabs the hell out of me and then watches with a smile, saying I should smile as well? I can't handle it. Saturday, September 21, 2002 02:15 a.m. Just like I would always say we'll make it through Then my heart fell apart, and where were you? How could I ever think it's funny how everything I swore would never change is different now? Like I said you and me would make it through.. Didn't quite. Fell apart. Where were you? The human body fascinates me, the curves and bones. I've been cursed with no talent to draw it, no matter how hard I try. I love black and white photography, absolutely love it. Perhaps I should try to create the images in my mind through photography, and not art. I love theatre because it's visual - I need visual, thrive on it. Maybe I just wasn't supposed to mold them with paint or pencils. Maybe I need to mold them through real life. Right now, though, I need to crawl into bed so I can get up a decent hour. What's worth getting up for? Well, you've got me there. Nothing. But I need to force myself to do it anyway, who knows why. God, I want to hear her voice again.. Fuck it. I have to stop that. I'd say goodnight, but I have that sinking feeling that no one's there to hear it. And never will be again. Friday, September 20, 2002 01:56 a.m. I go back to work tomorrow evening, after some time off. Should I be happy? Well, at least I get paid. Classes start next Monday. 111C - my nightmare. I'll cross my fingers for a passing grade. Other than that, the rest shouldn't be too bad. I need to save up for a violin. Shoot me, and I might find a tutor there. Otherwise, I need to go to the city. Just trying to pick myself up and get somewhere. Life is meant for living it, right? Now mix me a drink, and let's do something, for once. I'm so tired of doing nothing of importance around this shithole of a town. I'm so tired of being around people who don't know how to use their brains to full capacity. Or don't want to put out the effort to do so. Thursday, September 19, 2002 07:59 p.m. As black as the night can get, everything is safer now. There's always a way to forget, once you learn to find a way how. In the blur of serenity, where did everything get lost? The flowers of naivete buried in a layer of frost. The smell of sunshine.. I remember sometimes. thought he had it all before they called his bluff found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough wanted to go back to how it was before thought he lost everything then he lost a whole lot more A fool's devotion, swallowed up in empty space the tears of regret frozen to the side of his face The smell of sunshine.. I remember sometimes. I've done all I can do! Could I please come with you? sweet smell of sunshine.. I remember sometimes. - NIN Thursday, September 19, 2002 07:55 p.m. I thought I was doing well, for the larger part of the evening. Seems my spirits slipped again. I had given thought on writing an entry a bit longer than this, but now I can't even remember what I was going to say. I guess it didn't matter too much. Thursday, September 19, 2002 12:57 a.m. Note: this is a work of fiction, more of emotion than of situation, not to be taken personally. It is a simple release of some serious anger. It's not meant or directed toward anyone. Come here - strut your walk, sway your hips, climb into the back of my car. Painted eyes - I knew what she liked. Leather pants, strapped tight, I wore. She was such a whore, reached first for the closure. Come here - I wasn't myself. She didn't know; she didn't care. I was a quick and easy buck. She never bothered kissing me - For her, it was just another meaningless fuck. Good luck. Come here - god, I hated her. I hated playing the endless game. No love, no love, no love. I strangled her. I murdered her. I never knew her name. - Rene, 2002 Wednesday, September 18, 2002 03:10 a.m. I am tainted and happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me all these pieces and promises and left behinds if only you could see in my nothing you meant everything to me Stumbled in the house late tonight. I suppose I needed the time away, though I still ended up spending the two days like a walking dead man. I just started spacing by the time evening came around, another headache. I thought the time away was what I needed, something to balance me. A lot of good that did. Now I'm even more exhausted, and still refusing to go to sleep for the past three nights because I keep having those nightmares. I just can't handle them anymore. Somebody gave me the number for a suicide hotline - who the fuck was it? I don't remember. I just want to get drunk. Anything. I can't even smoke or eat without doubling over. Oh, boo-hoo, right? I know. I'm a goddamn weakling. That's exactly what I am. 'Just get over it,' because it's my fault in the first place. That's what they'd say if they believed me. But they don't. It's 'not real.' Therefore, logical conclusion, neither is this pain, is it? Give me a break. Tuesday, September 17, 2002 03:06 a.m. I'll check my words, I'll check my fucking words from now on just for you. Grab the duct tape for my heart, wind it up in barbed wire and bandages, watch it fucking bleed watch it fucking burn just for you. Because I don't know how to stop loving. And, god, I wish I did. I'll paint the smile from now on, and they'll never know the truth behind the lies. I hurt myself at work today.. Just another scar. And it's no one's fault but mine. Sunday, September 15, 2002 02:22 p.m. What happens when a raven falls in love. With a dove. Needed a time to sit outside, sit under the moonlight, get high, smoke rising and wetting my eyes. But the tears were already there, somewhere.. hiding inside of me. It gets harder every night, god, there's nothing left to write, I need you, hate the absence of your voice, I've little choice, you caught my heart and there's no way to explain. I'm haunted by the thought there might just be a place, a time, someday.. And it's killing me. Sunday, September 15, 2002 12:21 a.m. Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people living for today... Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too, Imagine all the people living life in peace... Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, I hope some day you will join us, And the world will live as one. - John Lennon, RIP Friday, September 13, 2002 01:52 p.m. In simple respects, it was the greatest tragedy I have ever myself witnessed in this lifetime. I remember the morning, lying in bed between a realm of sleep and awake, twisting in the blankets as my radio alarm went off. I remember hearing the news report and, in my dream, asking if it was real, if it was truly happening. No. Go back to sleep.. The whispers were lies. I awoke with realization of the true nightmare. The thousands who lost their lives.. too many people.. their families and friends suffer now. And all the tears shed can't wash away the blood that continues to stain America's soil. United we stand United we fall All for one and one for all Together as one, crumbling for none United we stand United we fall 9.11.2001 - We will never forget. Honour them with peace. Justice not revenge. Wednesday, September 11, 2002 11:11 p.m. In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey, butane in my veins so I'm out to get the junkie with the plastic eyeballs, spraypaint the vegetables, dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose, kill the headlights and put it in neutral, stockcar flaming with a loser in the cruise control, baby's in Reno with the vitamin D, got a couple of couches, sleep on the love seat, someone came sayin' I'm insane to complain about a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt, don't believe everything that you breathe, you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve, so shave your face with some mace in the dark, saving all your food stamps for burning down the trailer park, yo, cut it Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me, double barrel buckshot, Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me, forces of evil on a bozo nightmare, ban all the music with a phony gas chamber cause one's got a weasel and others got a flag, one's on the pole, shove the other in the bag, with the rerun shows and cocaine nose job, the daytime crap of the folk singers slop, he hung himself with a guitar string, a slab of turkey neck and it's hangin' from a pigeon wing, I can't write if ya' can't relate, trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate, and my time is a piece of wax, fallen on a termite, who's chokin' on the splinters Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me get crazy with the cheez-wiz, Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me drive, by, body pierce yo bring it on down I'm a driver, I'm a winner things are gonna' change I can feel it Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me I can't believe it Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me You know what I'm sayin' - Beck Wednesday, September 11, 2002 4:04 p.m. Mirrors, shards of glass, heaved against the wall You should know what it feels like to fall.. What was that? You don't? Well, take a little hint Put your foot between the grates and hit the cement! Then maybe she'd notice me behind you.. I tried every fucking day of my life to get her to see The things in my mind, the inner clay of deep maturity, everything I tried to be.. You'd rip my hair from the roots, claw my heart from the veins, to get your words in first and overrun mine, struggle for her attention, symbolic acid design. Does she even know my name anymore? I was ten when she stopped seeing me.. to focus on you. I want to start again! I want to-- I want to-- Monday, September 9, 2002 10:42 p.m. Maybe I should start making some archives [not that any of these entries are worth something].. And you're paranoid, as you look me up and down and I'm soaked in gasoline, mud, and ice cream I have so many books I want to read, but I'm not exactly a speed reader [lack of focus, damn you!], so that makes it even more frustrating to think about. Classes will be beginning soon enough and then I'll be truly swamped. Let's hope I can fly-by with another 3.8.. Algebra 111C will be the thickest thorn in my side. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have some degree of talent in certain areas of life, to be successful and not overlooked, to have recognition. Keep dreaming, Rene. Sunday, September 8, 2002 03:50 p.m. Here I stand with head in hand I turn my face to the wall If she's gone I can't go on Feeling two foot small Everywhere people stare Each and every day I can hear them laugh at me And then I hear them say Hey, you've got to hide your love away! Hey, you've got to hide your love away! How can I even try? I can never win Seeing them, hearing them In the state I'm in How could she say to me "Love will find a way"? So gather 'round all you clowns Let me hear you say Hey, you've got to hide your love away! Hey, you've got to hide your love away! Friday, September 6, 2002 03:32 a.m. You’re free to leave me, but just don’t deceive me and please Believe me when I say I love you! Tuesday, September 3, 2002 11:48 a.m. I'm afraid I've gotten myself into a horribly emotional melancholy. I've been thinking about many things - brooding is more accurate. I don't really want to talk about it right now. It won't help. Monday, September 2, 2002 01:07 a.m. I'll be the rain falling on your fire escape, and I may not be the man you want me to. I can be myself.. how 'bout you? I had a fairly balanced day today. I think I needed the time off from work and worries. Went out with the few friends I still have, hung around, didn't really do anything but I enjoyed myself nonetheless and I guess that's all that matters. My sister had her ultrasound today. Needless to point out, I kind of backed out of going along. The concept of pregnancy is just.. unsettling to me. I'm not really one to enjoy the presence of children and yet, shortly after next year, I'm going to have a niece. Frightening thought. Strange, too. Saturday, August 31, 2002 12:56 a.m. Dark, seductive, self-destructive I want to tear this face apart to prove it's not real I want to feel that blood drip between my fingers They've no idea who I am inside They don't bother look past the flesh I'm just another idiot I'm just another eyesore I'm just another nobody It's too hard.. and it's killing me. I hate myself and I want to die. Wednesday, August 28, 2002 03:48 p.m. Never knew I could feel like this Like I've never seen the sky before I want to vanish inside your kiss Every day I'm loving you more and more Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing Telling me to give you everything Seasons may change, winter to spring But I love you until the end of time Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste It all revolves around you And there's no mountain too high No river too wide Sing out this song I'll be there by your side Storm clouds may gather And stars may collide But I love you until the end of time Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day Oh, come what may, come what may I will love you, I will love you Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day Seems I lost the momentary battle. I needed the release. Wednesday, August 28, 2002 02:09 a.m. When I get there she's got incense, wine and candles It's such a freaky scene Why do I like this song? I have no idea. But I do like it. I was just about to post the lyrics to 'Come What May' here, but I really should try not to dwell on things like that anymore. I know what it feels like. I know it so deeply. And yet it's heart-wrenching to think I could have just fooled myself into it. God.. but I know when my feelings are real. I wish I could embrace that feeling and not be forced to suppress it. There's too many circumstances that we can't control, that I can't control and wish to hell I could. I suppose that's why I have such a dominant inner attitude that's yet to be allowed into motion, to be breathed into everyday life. My life's desire is to own and direct my own theatre company. I want to be in ultimate control, to have that authority in decision and design, to be able to freely express my visions. I've no wish to be an underling the rest of my days. I can't help it.. I want power and prestige. I want to be acknowledged. Remembered. If nothing else, I want my artistry to be remembered. I suppose I sound like Ebenezer Scrooge right now, don't I? 'Fortune before love.' Not so. In all honesty, I'm far too much of a romantic for my own good. It's horrid when such a noble philosophy gets you into so much damned trouble. To sense emotions, on the utmost level, is to feel all pain. There's an immense part of me that wishes for intimacy. For love. But, unfortunately or fortunately, I'm not exactly one to jump into things blindfolded. Sometimes, I wish I was. Wednesday, August 28, 2002 01:20 a.m. Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking.. Okay, so I don't usually listen to Creed too often, but that song strikes nerves. Anyway.. Ever had impacted wisdom teeth? They're no fun, believe me. And even more so when you can't go to a dentist. I think I'm getting a cold or something. Complain, complain, complain. I know, 'it's all I do.' That and sit around trying to decide how to be even more 'morbidly dramatic' than usual - feigned episodes of attention-striving theatrics, you see. (A bit of sarcasm, by the way) Hey, but I get to rant, right? It's my damned journal after all. On any note, I get paid tomorrow. Woo-hoo, Homer-style. I'm hoping I'll be able to turn my life in a sensible direction by next year. Now all I need is a kick-start. And a car, among other things. Monday, August 26, 2002 03:59 a.m. So tired I almost fell asleep -standing up- at work today. Go me. Well, at least I know how to get fired. I've been making attempts at writing again, but they really haven't worked out too well. I can't seem to focus, and my sense of motivation has unfortunately taken a dive. I don't even know what's pushing me anymore. Maybe we're all just like those cheap wind-up toys and some unknown force turns our keys now and then. I must be the one that fell over. Ugh. Ginseng, Guarana, Pepsi, Coffee.. All I need is speed now. Nothing works. I've still been worn all day. They keep upping my hours, and I'm going to be walking in like I just got back from Night of the Living Dead. Help. Sunday, August 25, 2002 02:50 a.m. ..and oh so sick I am and maybe I don't have a choice and maybe that is all I have and maybe this is a cry for help don't you tell me how I feel don't you tell me how I feel don't you tell me how I feel you don't know just how I feel I want to know everything I want to be everywhere I want to fuck everyone in the world I want to do something..that matters I'm exceedingly exhausted. I've lost so much support and now I feel my train's finally de-railed. It's been five years.. but they say I'm fine. Wednesday, August 21, 2002 01:56 a.m. ~ currently listening to Shostakovich's violin concerto ~ Rather dreary, stark emotions. Do you know the kind of music that tugs at your heart so as to make you feel the force? Violins have always gotten to me like that. I probably shouldn't be listening to this right now, in all honesty. Sliced my thumb at work today, and it still hurts like hell. [Nevermind.. Do you know how difficult it is to do anything without the proper use of your thumb?] And don't you hate it when you notice you've a large bruise but you have absolutely no idea how you got it? Anyway, I have to awaken early. I should be sleeping. Monday, August 19, 2002 03:08 a.m. Betrayed me, slayed me, you..you.. fucking circus freak. Used me, abused me.. You don't know what it feels like. No, not lyrics this time. My own. I'm not really an angry person. Truly. I've just been fairly cynical, beaten lately. I wish I could say I knew what happiness or perfection felt like, but it's been such a long time since I've experienced such things that they tend to slip my mind. I wish I could show myself a reason to say 'that's why I wait, that's why I care, that's why I believe.' Unfortunately, I can't think of an excuse for such wishful thinking. Ah, but there are lyrics for what I feel.. She said "everybody loves you," she says, "everybody cares" But all the things I keep inside myself, they vanish in the air. If you tell me that you'll wait for me I'll say I won't be here! I want to say good-bye to you, Good-bye to all my friends, Good-bye to everyone I know. I remember.. that day when she said it was all drama, that I was trying to get a rise from people. I was so dramatic, she said. Still says. The scars never fazed her. I'm such a fucking loser. Nobody gives a damn about any of this. Any of it. My 'drama' is getting old. You're wondering when the scene will end. Sunday, August 18, 2002 03:10 a.m. I'm gonna get free! I'm gonna get free! I'm gonna get free! Ride into the sun. She never loved me! She never loved me! She never loved me! Why should anyone? 'What is it with these lyrics,' you're wondering? ::shrugs:: I suppose it helps to gather my thoughts by writing what I'm listening to at the moment, the musical choice that mirrors my current mindframe. Right now.. angst-ridden. [Which, in itself, is little surprise since that O'-so-familiar sensation of utter angst has always been 'steady-to-come-and-steady-to-go' with me ~ (Isn't that a whole fuckload of dashes? Had enough yet? Okay, I'll quit.)] I've had quite a bit of stuff on my mind lately, just kind of trifling away their time in the luxurious lap of cerebral stagnation. I feel like I'm just getting dumber and dumber, soon to lose all memories of my once-present intellect. Wave now, tiny brain cells. Wave good-bye. [Yes, I lied. There's some more dashes for you. Don't you feel special?] Sleeping is so overrated.. and extremely difficult to do, as it has proven to me to be as of late. Ah, to stare at the ceiling or not to stare at the ceiling? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the tossings and turnings of unending restlessness, or to sit awake into the sea of early morning light and, by caffeine's sake, rebel. Enough of my skewed Hamlet impersonation. I know your ears are screaming surrender by now.. or your eyes, for that matter. Wave that little white flag. Ever seen a picture of 'that adorable Disney rabbit' Thumper in bondage before? Sick and twisted in every way, I know. But funny as hell. Saturday, August 17, 2002 02:42 a.m. there is a game i play try to make myself okay try to make the pieces fit but you smash it all apart just for the fuck of it I'm so tired of being the victim of everyone's anger, for whatever fucking reason they're upset. I'm so tired of the bullshit bringing me down. I'm trying to live my life now, not end it. Why is that so difficult to respect? Why do you all insist upon pushing me closer and closer to that familiar edge I finally took a step back from? Do you want me dead? Is that it? Thursday, August 15, 2002 02:47 a.m. I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting Tried to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all.. my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of shit on my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I can not repair. Beneath the stains of time feelings disappear. You are somewhere else. I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all.. my empire of dirt! I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself. I would find a way. - NIN Sunday, August 11, 2002 09:56 p.m. Long night, and next week I've gotten even more late-night shifts. Watching Dogma in the background. Love that movie. "I'm a fucking demon.." Even though I'm not one to hold grudges, I can't help but be upset by what I just learned has recently happened. Sometimes, you can't trust anybody. Sunday, August 11, 2002 12:54 a.m. I had strange dreams last night. Then again, the insomniac attacks returned so that might be aiding to it. Yesterday was restless.. I was, anyway, and I'm not sure as to why. I haven't been able to bring out my sketchpad for a long time, not that any talent is inherent there. I couldn't even focus enough to read a book. Well, I work today so I'd better get going. And, dammit, I have to remember to get up to the college for re-registration.. Saturday, August 10, 2002 02:29 p.m. I'm sorry. It seems the right thing to say. I'm sorry for everything. Thursday, August 8, 2002 01:35 a.m. You don't want me. You never did. You made your choice, so stop playing with the knife in my heart. Wednesday, August 7, 2002 01:05 a.m. To show me what I can never be, to tease me - just end my misery. No one can save me now. Tuesday, August 6, 2002 12:08 a.m. Valonia.. True friendship, you say? And I say 'always.' Always. I would endure a thousand daggers, this you already know. The blades may indeed hurt, it's true, but they do come to dull when I accept their momentary sting. I am not willing to stand down from our dear friendship for the pain of a few bruises and cuts. Sunday, August 4, 2002 02:18 a.m. I watch a film tonight, a film I've seen so very many times before. And as the minutes passed and certain scenes arise, I must be a fool to admit I cried. Such emotions and it was as if I could touch the screen and feel the very essence of everything beneath, every detail and comfort it gave me, every love of the soul. To have your five senses be so alive and heightened that they are brought to a point of uncontrollable sadness when you realize that they aren't and never will be. Enough of this. The current realities are much too frightening to fathom. An inferno blazes but a few miles outside of my town, the flames a mile wide and high. It began this morning, and has done nothing but grow, feeding off the timber plant. The sky is red for thirty miles. I'm trying to forget about it, unnerved. Sometimes you don't realize you're already in hell until it's too late. But I don't want to be in hell. I don't want to be in this hell alone. Sunday, August 4, 2002 02:04 a.m. How splendid is it when your paycheck gets cut in half by a negative checking balance? Ah yes, the thrills of material existence. I need to escape this roller-coaster ride. I wonder if I'm simply played for a fool, and I don't even realize it.. or wish to admit it. I've been having nightmares for a while now. They've resurfaced after a good while of hibernation, it seems. Perhaps I'm too idealistic to accept that I'm not wanted, that I can't offer the thing that's needed, whatever that might be. I'm just niave to think I am that thing. Or could be. Friday, August 2, 2002 01:48 a.m. I'm so beat I can actually feel my bones ache.. I wish I got paid more than dirt. Haven't eaten in days. Maybe I should. Thursday, August 1, 2002 02:58 a.m. I should've told you I never knew you when I stumbled for the drawer. I should've promised I'd last a moment after finding it. I should've lied and said we'd always be together evermore. I should've done this sooner, when you would have given a shit. Isn't it amazing how their eyes can pass right over the sign, and their ears can never hear the overwhelming cry? But you knew it wasn't like they always said it was. And you knew I wasn't what they called me. You little bitch, you knew those pills were just their pointless sham. Yes, you knew I was methodical in my process. I never said I was a systematic loner. I never said I was the one beat in the corner. I never said how long I'd hang around 'til I finally disappear. I never said you had to wait, to try and analyze my fear. But you knew me - you knew they thought I'd become a mute. And you knew I'd waited years for nothing but a reassurance. It isn't easy when you still find yourself alone, even through the terms and seethings of a twisted, hidden genius. But you slowly backed away when you realized all the truths. And you crossed me from your realm of understanding. There are never ways to explain it all, to calm the ones who see. But you knew me. You knew me. Wednesday, July 31, 2002 12:16 a.m. It's mind-blowing how much people can shut out from their sight and overlook with a tunnel vision like none other. Shift ended late - walked in the front door a short while ago. Tired.. and cold! Damn that cooling system. There's never a comfortable balance. Oh well. God, I'm beat. ::gazes skyward:: Are you up there, God? Are you listening? -silence- I see.. I'm going to take the 99.9% guess that this Pepsi is going to keep me up late tonight. Not a doubt in my mind. Well then.. why am I writing in this journal? Eh, why would you care? What was that? ::leans forward:: I can't hear you.. Ah. You've no wish to read my petty remarks? Then do yourself a favour. [insert crude remark. Go ahead and insert it, you fuck.]. Hm.. I'm feeling saucy tonight. Tuesday, July 30, 2002 11:25 p.m. Five-thirty. I've had a long day [and night]. Don't bother question my complexities. My sleep is consistently fucked up in some way or another. Counting Crows in the background, slow emotional charge. It suits my mood. Do you know why I hate going in the woods, lying beneath the stars or on a beach, walking in the moon's embrace? Because there's never one to share them with. There's never another to feel, to touch soul-to-soul. Empty air - and everyone wonders why friends aren't enough. Sunday, July 28, 2002 05:30 a.m. Twisted threads and withered strands of flesh and silken hair, Tattered carcass, pausing, meeting ends and exits there, Lying on a silent beach, the sands are wombs of time, The moon hangs high, a thumbnail high, amidst the sea's sharp rhyme, And still the wails, and still the cries, and still your pounding heart, For in this landscape empty, our souls aren't far apart. Friday, July 26, 2002 03:56 p.m. Never under-estimate the power of words. As simple as they may be, they can always hurt, heal, or save. 'Fuck you.' Thursday, July 25, 2002 03:23 a.m. Why do I feel so alone? Even my muse has deserted me, abandoned me for weeks. I can barely think anymore, and I feel far too much. I suppose I feel alone because I am. Day to day, and in a house full of silence all one can do is realize that the psyche's safety net, that optimistic belief that 'life is worthwhile,' is just a bunch of bullshit force-fed by those helpless souls who know deep down they can't save the rest. God forbid [or landlord forbid, you take your pick], I can't even have a pet to keep this turmoil in my head at bay. Thursday, July 25, 2002 02:36 a.m. page owned by [the Dead Poet] ©2002